Sidekicks Unite
by Flaky Biscuit
Summary: A Harry Potter-Lord of the Rings crossover. Made off of a challenge by A. Smithee.


Author's Note: This is a challenge fanfic. And to get the correct effect please read all of Gimli and Pippin's lines in a ridiculously stereotypical Scottish accent.  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own any of these characters (though I am working on purchasing Dominic Monaghan from New Line), they are the property of Warner Bros. and New Line, respectively.  
  
------The Challenge------  
  
Fandom: Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings  
  
Rating: any  
  
Rules (in no order):  
  
- There must be a love pentagon.  
  
- Someone must tell a "So a hobbit walks into a bar" joke.  
  
- Legolas must get a mohawk.  
  
- The Fellowship must sing a cheesy Broadway song.  
  
- Someone must mention/wear a French maid's uniform.  
  
- Ron must discover the true meanings of condoms and snow.  
  
- Dumbledore must reference Princess Leia from Star Wars, resulting in much confusion among non-Muggles.  
  
------The Story------  
  
(Pippin, Merry, Ron, Sam, Legolas, and Gimli are all sitting on the curb in front of a pub)  
  
Ron: (grumbling angrily)  
  
This author is so bias; I'm the only character from Harry Potter here. (looks up and shakes his fist) Damn you, you geeky Lord of the Rings fanatic!!!  
  
Gimli: (brandishing his axe)  
  
And just what is so geeky about being obsessed with Lord of the Rings?  
  
Ron:  
  
Erm...nothing...  
  
Pippin:  
  
Oh, come off it, you two! Don't you see that the author is purposely putting us here together because we are all subordinate characters? No offense everyone.  
  
Merry:  
  
None taken, you hunka hunka burnin' hobbit.  
  
Pippin:  
  
Merry, I told you to stop sneaking puffs from Aragorn's pipe!  
  
(Merry smiles and looks very out of it, he and Pippin begin making-out)  
  
Ron:  
  
Anyway…what about Hermione? She's a sub-sub-subor-  
  
Sam:  
  
Subordinate.  
  
Ron:  
  
Yeah, she's a subordinate thingy too.  
  
Merry: (pauses his make-out session for the moment)  
  
Honestly, you humans are so daft. Would Hermioninnie really be in a pub?  
  
(at that moment Hermione walks out of the pub behind them and makes a hasty exit, stage left; the characters, who most likely are stoned/drunk out of the bejesus, don't notice)  
  
Ron:  
  
It's Hermione.  
  
Merry: (mockingly)  
  
Sorry, didn't mean to insult your girlfriend.  
  
Ron: (turns red)  
  
She's not my girlfriend.  
  
Merry:  
  
Well…if you're single!  
  
(Merry edges closer to Ron and tries that yawn and your arm around someone move)  
  
Pippin:  
  
Nooooo!!! Merry!!!  
  
Legolas:  
  
Must you all be so openly gay?  
  
Pippin: (still upset over the loss of Merry)  
  
Well, it's better than being closedly gay, Mr. Homophobic-pants!  
  
Legolas:  
  
Hah! I don't even wear pants!  
  
Ron:  
  
Underwear either! Oops...  
  
Legolas:  
  
RON!!!  
  
Merry: (shocked)  
  
Ron, you're cheating on me?!  
  
Ron:  
  
Um...oops.  
  
(awkward silence)  
  
Pippin:  
  
So a hobbit walks into a bar-  
  
Merry: (smacks him with a rolled-up newspaper)  
  
No, bad Pippin.  
  
Gimli: (who was, previously, pretty quiet for once)  
  
Legolas! What am I supposed to tell Draco?!  
  
Legolas:  
  
Oh, that...  
  
Sam:  
  
What do you mean Draco?  
  
Gimli:  
  
You mean you didn't know about the threesome?  
  
Sam: (tearing)  
  
No, not Draco too! This is too soon after Frodo left me for that tree!!!  
  
(Sam has a nervous breakdown)  
  
Pippin:  
  
It's okay, Sam. I'm here for you.  
  
Sam:  
  
Pippin, get your hand off my ass! Wait, no...forget I said that.  
  
------Intermission------  
  
(the fellowship [Aragorn, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf for you steeoopid non-LotR fanatics] enter in tight leather pants, or a tight leather tunic in Legolas' case, and do select scenes from Riverdance while singing It's a Hard Knock Life)  
  
------Now Back to the Story------  
  
Dumbledore:  
  
Now what have we all learned from this Riverdance incident?  
  
Legolas:  
  
Never try a DIY mohawk kit? (he points to his new, slightly lopsided 'do)  
  
Dumbledore:  
  
No.  
  
Ron:  
  
Condom + snow = bad?  
  
Dumbledore:  
  
No!  
  
Merry:  
  
Boromir looks really hot in leather?  
  
Dumbledore:  
  
NO!!! Actually, now that you mention it...but, you know, Princess Leia in a French maid's uniform is-  
  
Legolas:  
  
Wait, back up, Princess who?!  
  
(yet another awkward silence)  
  
Pippin: (opens his mouth to say something)  
  
Merry: (smacks him, yet again, with a rolled-up newspaper)  
  
No, bad Pippin.  
  
Dumbledore: (sighs annoyedly)  
  
Honestly, elves sometimes...you know, Princess Leia from Star Wars!  
  
Legolas:  
  
Star Search?  
  
Dumbledore:  
  
No, Star Wars.  
  
Legolas:  
  
Star Trek?  
  
Dumbledore:  
  
Close, but no.  
  
Legolas:  
  
Muffin?  
  
Dumbledore:  
  
I think I'd better quit while I'm ahead.  
  
(the author decides to end the story to avoid further flaming from Legolas fans)  
  
Pippin:  
  
So a hobbit walks into a bar...OUCH! (laughs so hard that he dies. Oh well, no one will miss him...except maybe Merry...or Sam...)  
  
------The End------ 


End file.
